| feel |
[Aug. 28th, 2009|03:49 am] |
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i feel her love in the way she looks at me. i feel it in the way she touches me. i feel it in the way she kisses me. i feel her love in her words. i feel it around me. i feel it in my sleep. i feel her love all the time, and it is the single greatest feeling in the world! |
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| * |
[Aug. 27th, 2009|09:45 am] |
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Hmmmmm |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|01:42 am] |
we drive around all night singing songs together. it is so so so so so much fun. some songs i know, some i've been picking up each time we sing together but regardless of the song, it is a blast! some songs are just silly, some are serious, and some have a lot of meaning. the thing that gets me the most is on some songs the looks that she gives me. i seriously melt, then blush, then smile HUGE like a goof. it is ridiculously good! when lindsey sings a britney spears song, it's something else. the only way i can explain that one is that she has the perfect seduction voice to go along with the songs, so it is crazy hot. my favorite out of everything we sing is that old randy travis song and that romeo song that is fairly new i guess. it's something i've never experienced before, singing with her, to her and meaning everything. it gives me goosebumps, and i just can't stop smiling and looking at her when we sing those songs.
i love this girl so much. i love everything about her! i am so thankful we are together again, together for good. she is my soul mate, i can see it when i look into her eyes. i can feel it when we hold hands. i can hear it in her voice. each day is something new with her, and it is such a thrill to be around her! i love what this is becoming. i love her. |
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| untitled #9 - fght ff yr dmns |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|02:55 pm] |
Please say you'll come alone tonight.
Please sing the words we love.
Don't say that you forgot them.
Don't keep the hand we've come to hold.
I know you want to untie this rope and let it go.
Please pose my skeletal remains.
Give them a working pen,
And I will live forever.
Please let them love me though I fade.
I know you want to, I know you want to.
I know you want to run away.
We're finding our own tonight.
My signal spikes when sorrows come.
They come on battalions.
We're burning our own tonight.
A little light to keep it on.
Our own battalion.
Please keep the sounds from running out.
Please let our steps fall soft.
Keep them from hearing our talk.
Please let some hope come with the day.
I know you want to, I know you want to.
I know you want to run away.
We're finding our own tonight.
My signal spikes when sorrows come.
They come on battalions.
We're burning our own tonight.
A little light to keep it on.
Our own battalion.
I know you want to, I know you want to.
I know you want to run away.
And so we watch the time we keep.
And you know that I am swift.
You know that I am quick.
You know that I am fast asleep.
We're finding our own tonight.
My signal spikes when sorrows come.
They come on battalions.
We're burning our own tonight.
A little light to keep it on.
Our own battalion. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|08:51 pm] |
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"She always was talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I’m with her, I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything[...]So that’s, that’s what I think is love.. when I’m better because she’s here." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|09:54 am] |
So let me drown so I can breathe again
I'm through choking and suffocating
on alter egos and alter motives
which weigh you down and take control of
the way you are and the things that you need
the life you live and the dreams that you dream
distort and blur all in slow motion
they broke you down and now you're broken
and it's sadder than the saddest movie
I ever saw but with out the beauty
so I stopped watching, I stopped caring
I lost all interest and I stopped wearing
these plastic smiles I'll wash my hands clean
I'll forget that you forgot about me
and I'll live the life, the big city feeling
cause it's better than suburban dreaming
Living off the friends that hate you
who talk shit on me
like I don't know who my real friends are
anymore no I don't know you anymore
and it's sadder than the saddest movie
I ever saw but without the beauty
so I stopped watching, I stopped caring
spilling ink, spill your guts again. |
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| change |
[Jun. 5th, 2009|04:51 am] |
a new day, a new me. a change of pace, a change of taste.
this or that, but mostly a bunch of "i'd rather.."
from here on out, a majority of this will be private. good night/morning. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2009|03:14 am] |
When I'm at my lowest I just want to smoke myself stupid. Forget the pointless conversations and the and the bland people that are in my life. When I'm at my highest I want to spread the wealth around and make everyone feel as good as I. When I'm at my lowest I want to shut out the world and listen to songs that drag me down deeper. When I'm at my highest I want to make my visions come to life. When I'm at my lowest I think about the end. When I'm at my highest, it's only just the beginning.
Even though I don't smoke anymore, sometimes if I stare at my fan long enough, I can slip into a state that somewhat resembles the high, sans being giggly. I become more contemplative, thinking about stuff I shouldn't really concern myself with. I've always been intrigued by the concept of time. To me it is odd that we as humans, with the amounts ands advancements in technologies that we cannot alter time. You know, going back in time, pausing time or even fast forwarding it. I suppose it would sort of defeat the purpose of life (in general) if you could do that, but what if? What if you could go back and fix the things you messed up on? What if you could fast forward 10 years into the future to see what you have become, so you could come back to the present and change something, anything about yourself to alter that proposed future you? It's all so... I don't even know. I wonder why these things come to me? It would certainly be enjoyable to travel the span of your life and.. play yourself and dictate exactly how your legacy (or lack of one) is written. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2009|11:29 pm] |
| [ | current sound |
| | TRV$DJAM - Coachella 13 | ] |
i was supposed to take a nap so i could wake up fresh when i go in to do counts in about an hour and a half. instead i laid (is this the proper form?) in bed for 3 hours watching episodes of history channel's gangland. now i'm yawning uncontrollably, and all i want to do is sleep for 123456789 hours. instead i have to find a way to keep myself occupied for the next hour. i know that i will need an iced coffee to get me through the next three hours, which sucks. i've been weening myself off of those and just caffeine in general for the past few weeks. i've had one iced coffee this week before tuesday, which is VERY good since i consider myself addicted to those.
on a random note, i was thinking about oral fixations yesterday. i wish there was something that i could use that wasn't damaging to my health or a threat to extract fillings that would ease an oral fixation crave i am in the midst of. the past two months i've been sucking on these tiny mints we now give out at work, and i can just FEEL the cavities coming on. it is horrible, let me tell you. alas, there is nothing i can think of that can ease this craving, except ice, but i have sensitive teeth. figures, right?
i downloaded the TRV$DJAM mixtape yesterday, and it is pretty awesome. a nice mix of old and new music, from hop hop to classic rock. no joke, either. it flows nicely. don't know how else to describe it, really. which leads me to where i got it from, which would be twitter. twitter, my friends, is so freaking amazing. not only from the "social networking" aspect, but the fact that you can get up-to-date news on pretty much ANYTHING at the snap of your fingers. i have maybe 10 or 12 friends i follow on there, the rest are musicians, news outlets and sports information sites (ESPN, specific teams, fantasy sports updates). to have a specific app integrated into the g1 makes twitter so easy to use. it's probably the main thing i do on my phone. here's a breakdown of the uses i have for the g1:
-twitter
-txt message
-internet
-email
-check the weather
-traffic updates
-phone calls
-camera
-zombie locater(you better believe it!)
-laptop router
the apps that you can get for the g1 are amazing. i suppose the same can be said with the iphone. it is these next-gen smart phones that make communicating and gathering information and lightning speed so fun. |
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| company |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|11:42 pm] |
it's nice to hang out with someone and forget about the stressors of things that matter. to be able to completely ignore the outside world and just walk around, take in the sights and sound that nature has to offer and making small talk is something that i've missed for some time. it is all just very refreshing. i'm not saying i don't enjoy long walks with my dogs, but for some interaction with someone who is not a family member is a nice change of pace. i hope i can continue my good fortune and find some more people who enjoy something as simple as a walk through a park.
then again, that seems like too much to ask for. buuuuut like my doc says, i can't keep analyzing things. just take it for what it is and move on. |
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| o rly? |
[May. 31st, 2009|11:09 pm] |
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when your brain becomes so infatuated with the pedestal you place yourself on, you begin to lose sight in the things that matter most. it all becomes a status symbol to you. you wish you could wear it on your sleeve, but it stays tucked away in your back pocket. the charade is over. just do it already.. damn. |
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| Cleveland Curse |
[May. 31st, 2009|10:53 am] |
I turned the game off with like 5 min left because of how badly the Cavs were getting beat. The end result is that the city of Cleveland will continue the dry spell of no championship for any of the pro sports teams since the last time the Indians won the World Series. I think it stands at 65 years right now. Horrible. Pitiful. It sucks. In the near future, it looks like the Cavs are the only team that has a chance of ending that drought. Even then we got to wait until next year, and that could be our last chance if Lebron chooses to bolt. I don't think he will because some things happened managerially that may make him stay and achieve his goal of being the first billionaire athlete.
I still haven't lost faith in the Indians this season, because believe it or not they are only 7 games out. I don't think they can make it to the World Series this year or anything, but the A.L. Central is so up and down that it really is up for grabs from anyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2009|08:40 am] |
the pins and needles guided me to the other side last night. once there, i did the unimaginable. i rode the clouds, i sank into the grass. i was the shooting star that nobody thought would last. jumping from constellation to constellation, i had the universe in my hands and time on my side. i stopped at each planet to take a picture. i came back to earth and ventured the underworld. no, not hell, but the world beneath our world. a tiny world where backyards are worlds, subdivisons galaxies. i fought the most horrific of bug battles. i had the most peaceful encounters with them as well. we were one and the same, and our differences made no difference. at the end of the night, as the skies became lighter, the rooster started to crow, and that's when i knew it was over. the rooster would crow, and that could only mean one thing..
..the alarm on my phone was going off, and it was time to wake up. |
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| don't give me that |
[May. 27th, 2009|10:12 pm] |
role reversal, flip the switch. i was off, now i'm on. you were right, now you're wrong. 'remember whens' fade away, we reach for something that will never return. i used to admire you for your belief, now it is just another release.
your word used to be strong when i was weak. now it is.. you guessed it. the opposite. role reversal, flip the switch. what once was true, we are now just fools. can i believe you, can i take you at your word? i have my doubts, and they grow with each put-off.
it's hard to swallow that you are becoming so fake. it could just be to me, to which i don't doubt. it is unfortunate, but if this is what everything has come to, then so be it. i'm just an afterthought, and maybe that's where i should stay.
there's things that i wish that i could admit, for you were one i could confide in. now i don't dare tell you what's real, because what you have become is something you are not. counting on you is like taking a shot at the moon.
counting on you is like.. "one, two, skip a few.." |
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| double feature |
[May. 24th, 2009|06:15 pm] |
i have been having dreams of giant badgers and bears. i have this reoccurring dream where the badger and bear, of same height (maybe 10 ft) are standing at the top of a cliff, roaring or growling, whatever one may call it. i am hiking, alone, when they spot me and come after me. each night they switch off on who gets to me first. last night it was the bear. he swatted me down into a ravine. when i stopped tumbling, the badger met me at the bottom, and stomped on my head. the night before, the badger got to me first and pounced on me and started to claw at me. then the bear came up, pushed aside the badger and dug into my stomach.
this has been brutal. at the point of death the past week, i always wake up. i don't know why this is happening or what the point of this dream is. the thing with my dreams, though, is they are very vivid, very detailed. sometimes i wake up and am glad it isn't actually happening. i mean, i guess that could never really happen, as badgers don't get anywhere near the size they do in my dreams. just the thought though.. wow.
i can't really gather anything from what they would mean, other than i'm going to die at the paw of a wild animal?
since i really don't have anything better to do or anyone to hang out with, i've been going on walks through the countryside the past few days. yesterday i followed a walking path to the end, then walked along a stretch of trees separating what i assume are two different farming fields. i turned around when the trees ended because i wanted to be back before dinner. today i walked through a common (what they call "green") area of this semi subdivision we are apart of, past empty roads and up to a barb wire fence. i didn't continue because i was starting to feel the effects of walking on a very full stomach (this was just after breakfast).
tomorrow my grandparents are leaving, so i think i may go on an extended walk. i want to see how far out i can get until i can't see anything but fields and trees. at that i point i will acquire that feeling of being alone and content. as i'm walking back home, it will fade. i know i'll be back to having nothing to do, no one to talk to and only myself to blame. it's funny how i "blame" myself even though i know it was the right thing to do in the first place. sometimes i wonder if i should just give up trying to stay clean, and go back to that lifestyle just so there is some company in my life, some sort of (meaningless) friendship.
it is a struggle when you know you are alone. an empty feeling is created every time i have some free time to kill, and i just scroll through my phone and know that no one in there is willing to hang out. the "friends" i chose to associate myself with these past few years need to fulfill their needs and addictions. "clean fun" is no fun in the eyes of many.
i'm having second thoughts on buying a new car. i'm thinking of just forgetting about it and moving back out sooner than planned. i've found a few cheap apartments in chicago in neighborhoods i like and am familiar with, and i think that may be what would be best for me at this point in time. i have no complaints living with my parents, in fact i like it very much. the part i do not like is that there is not one person here for me to have a good time with. well, i take that back, there is.. but these people have their own lives and either cannot fit me into their schedule or attempt to get me to fall back into drugs again. either way it is a lose-lose situation. i don't know. i've got to figure it out. |
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| wants and needs |
[May. 22nd, 2009|01:36 am] |
I want to erase you from my memory. I want to paint over you with my brush. I need you to understand where I'm coming from. I need you to know I don't exist. I want you to see me disappear. I want you to know how it feels to be alone. I need you to go away. I need to know I'm....
I want to stand in the middle of a field and feel the wind against my face. I want to ride with the wind and leave everything behind. I need to make an escape. I need to feel again.
I want to be rejected. I want to be your every need. I need to know where we stand. I need to feel someone's touch. I want to be your shining star. I want to be your worst mistake. I need to learn new tricks. I need to disappear.
When the world melts away and the sky floats off, what will we be left with? My hands are the building blocks, my heart is the steel that keeps it together. Where are the inhabitants? Where is the meaning? When this world gets stuck in a cycle of left, right, left, right, what are the measures one takes to reverse that?
Difficult does not even begin to explain what this is. Precise does not give the action complete justice. My words are the lines, the blank spaces the color. I am woven into fabric, a knitting from before your time. Wear me or wash me, discard me or throw me in the back of your closet. If that's what I am, then send me off in a proper manner.
You want to see me disappear? Well so do I, so do I. |
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| mini vacation |
[May. 20th, 2009|12:19 am] |
i have saturday through tuesday off work for memorial day. we were going to go visit my grandparents in bloomington, indiana and go to the INDY 500, but plans changed. grandparents are coming up here to see my nephew. so i'm going to have 4 days to just chill out here with everyone and relax! maybe try to get someone to hang out. def play with the puppy dogs. that tuesday night gonna go to the cubs game with my dad, as well. it is going to be pretty nice, not gonna lie.
got paid today, so gonna be getting a new round of blu-rays and tv series to watch. i'm about to finish up 30 rock season 2, so i need another awesome tv show to get into until mad men season 2 comes out in about a month! i am no doubt getting some more scorsese movies, though. there's just something about his movies.. and man, gangs of new york? that movie was so awesome. i am still in awe of that movie. everything about it was amazing. i think leonardo dicaprio is probably one of my favorite actors. he's in a lot of my favorite movies, and he does a very nice job working his part, whatever it may be. same with daniel day-lewis. that guy is epic. |
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| to whom it may concern |
[May. 18th, 2009|09:50 pm] |
So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home
At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for
I know 'cause my feet have the scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home
It's time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights to North and press on
This is not your escape
Wash 'way what they thought of you
Because in this place, we're all as good as dead
...end cycle...
Behind the mask you'll find yourself alone
It's not the end of the road for you |
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| Visions |
[May. 17th, 2009|12:36 am] |
I have these visions while I'm driving and coming up to an intersection when a light is switching from green to yellow or yellow to red. I'll run through them and get t-boned. I've been having them for over a year now, and sometimes it freaks me out, sometimes I pay no attention to it. It is comparable to those dreams where you think you're falling down a hole and then you wake up freaked out and look around to make sure you're not really falling.
Sometimes I get similar visions when I'm working late at night and someone is paying me.. instead of them pulling out money, they pull out a gun. That freaks me out, because in that situation I am powerless. I can press a button, but that doesn't prevent a trigger being pulled.
The violence that is produced in my mind is astounding. I think it is some sort of offshoot of paranoia, but I'm not sure.
I had this conversation with Kyle the last time I saw him a couple weeks ago about being the last current male in the family tree. He and I both are the only ones able to carry on our respective family's name. The way he was talking about it, it seems like a pretty big deal to him. I sort of just brushed it off at the time, but I've given it a lot of thought since then. It makes me wonder just how important is it to pass down the name, to continue the family history, the family in general. I want kids a lot, and since my nephew was born, it's opened my eyes to how wonderful it can be. I don't really care how many kids I'd have (well not more than like three or five or whatever lol), but if I have multiple kids, I'd like at least one to be a boy. I'd like to think that whoever is the mother to these kids and in a best case scenario, my wife as well, that we'd have some sort of arrangement on how the naming goes. Which is pretty weird, at least to me. How does that even go about being planned? I never thought about it. So I pondered this, and came to a conclusion that seems pretty logical. If it's a boy, I got first name dibs, she can have middle name dibs. If it is a girl, she can have first name dibs, I have middle name dibs. That seems fair, right?
Wow, don't even ask me why I'm thinking about this stuff. To be honest, I don't really know either. I do know that as each day passes, finding someone to settle down with seems more pleasing than finding some dumb bitch to fuck around with. That seems harsh, but it is what it is. I'm not getting any younger. The things I've done so far in my life have been more than enough for me to keep as a memory, and I think just shooting for that next stage is probably the best route to go.
I dunno, I'm rambling on and on. This is probably a product of sleepiness. I just watched Raging Bull, too. It's pretty good, but I'm going to be honest here and say I expected more. Oh well, what can you do? Gangs of New York was RAW though. I've been on a Martin Scorsese binge lately. Gonna buy Casino on Tuesday, and maybe another one of his movies if I can find one. So far, I've seen the Departed, Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Gangs of New York and Raging Bull. I haven't seen Taxi Driver since I was at SIU. I think it was part of a film festival or something. I wish they would release it on Blu-Ray, because that movie was incredible. |
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myblockishott's journal
